Monologue

Parenthesis = Stage Direction. As it’s written for a stage production.

(A boy is partially obscured by a single spotlight, his body half in and half out.)

”It’s hard being me. Everything has become like a routine.”

”Admittedly, it wasn’t so predictable to begin with and I thrived on that ‘new’ and ‘exciting’ feel. But after a while things slowed down and that life I had was replaced by a dull repeating cycle. Especially because nothing after the day I came out was ever again as turbulent as that moment and the ensuing months.”

”You see, being trapped beneath an oppressive umbrella that is the ‘gay’ label; lead to some startling truths that I discovered of myself. I struggled at first because the expectation of my behavior that filtered down through the media and directly into the minds of my generation was not one I felt I associated with.”

(Pause as the young man steps into the light completely.)

I wasn’t feminine, or masculine. I didn’t like the color pink nor did I play sport. So what was I? I suffered long and hard over that question. But I was sure of one thing; I would never lose myself.”

”Eventually as I came to accept myself, my friends and family did too. I was told many, many times that I didn’t look ‘like one of those fags.’ It was as if no one had considered the possibility of a gay man that didn’t look like a more humanly proportioned and anatomically correct Ken Doll”

(He smiles and walks over to a lone bookcase and pulls out a photo album.)

But this isn’t about those people. They don’t matter, those people who can’t get over it don’t matter to me.

(Pause.)

There’s something about the camaraderie that comes with being gay. The topics are different, the conversations themselves are different. Straight people do not get it; Bi-Sexual’s definitely do not get it. Parents and Family in general do not get it. There’s a closeness, and I guess it helps to survive, well…that, and humor. We pride ourselves on our condescending and narcissistic wit. It’s our shell, our wall from the outside world and their attacks.”

(Young man snaps book shut and sits on the floor, his chin resting on his knees)

”I wasn’t fast enough to build that wall, that separation of emotions from reality. And if you don’t learn that, the anger and the hate that’s directed at you…It will eat you alive.

(Boy shuts eyes, sighs once and then stands to lean against the bookcase. The single spotlight splits into four shining on a square, each spot colored differently. One blue, one green, one red and one yellow.)

Those words, the slander, the insults, they don’t go anywhere; they stay in your head and echo.

(The blue spotlight shines brighter. And a voice calls out)

‘Stay the hell away from me you fag!’

(blue fades and green brightens. Girls voice )

‘People like you should go fucking die!’

(green fades, yellow brightens, voice sounding like an older male)

‘Don’t touch me you freak!’

(yellow fades, red brightens. Thick accented man)

‘You look at me one more time and I’ll kill you.’

(Silence. Spotlights fade into darkness and the young man is illuminated once more.)

…On Mondays, we go to the gym, out of the four of us I believe I’m the only one that goes just to workout. The other three spy on whatever wets their appetite, and trust me it varies daily. It makes me wonder why I’m expected to be a sexual deviant. Because I’m a man? Or because I’m gay? Or is it both?

On Tuesdays I have work with Thomas. Now he is the queen of queens. He’s a prickly bastard, barely shows any emotion. I’d liken him to an animal but even animals show sadness. No, he’s a cactus far to sharp to look at but at the very least interesting to look at.

Daniel used to be my best friend. He dances and actually has a boyfriend now. In that aspect I want to be like him. But he traded away his self respect to get his man. I don’t want to do that though. I enjoy every part of who I am, the cowardice, the bravery, every last contradictory trait I have are mine and mine alone.

There’s definitely the expectation that I should be fit. That I should be a ‘gym-bunny’ But why is that so? Who said I have to be ripped like a god? Yet I still find myself compelled to try. And in a way, I’m glad I did feel that compulsion, because it was on a Friday afternoon that I got my first taste of the unexpected.

I had asked the boys if they wanted to come with me to the gym that evening. Daniel had considered it for a moment before saying that he had a talent show to prepare for, otherwise ‘that bitch Sophia would win’ Thomas refused outright and Matt just shrugged. So I went alone. About ten minutes in I was puffing for and say down on the benches, apparently I forgot to put my water bottle in my gym-bag. I was about to go to the bubblers, feeling uneasy about public services like that, when I was handed a bottle by a stranger. He smiled at me with a second-hand grin.

”Thirsty?” He asked, his voice was barely understandable amidst a thick foreign accent. I resisted the temptation to point how obvious his question was and instead drank gratefully.

“Thanks…” I muttered and waited for him to leave, but he stayed. “Um…hi?” I offered. Again he smiled and claimed the seat next to me.

”I’m Mikel.” He said.

“Michael?” I repeated.

”No, Mikel. M-I-K-E-L” He spelt out. I ignored the stumbling words in my mouth and instead nodded. He started talking to me then, and I found myself a new gym buddy.

(Young man stops and sits down at the edge of the stage.)

I didn’t tell anyone. Mainly because I wasn’t sure how I felt. My Mum, whom had been distancing herself from me because of the whole ‘Gay’ issue, would reprimand me for talking to strangers. The boys would just grill me, and then probably steal him regardless of my interest. So I held my tongue. And waited until I saw him again on Friday.

On Monday, I didn’t say anything as I worked out alone. On Tuesday I didn’t say anything at work to Tom. On Wednesday I watched the talent show and missed the winners announcement, still I didn’t say anything.

On Friday, I dressed nicely. I normally didn’t have any muscles to show off, but my frequent trips to the gym were paying off. Sp I wore a grey singlet and a pair of light grey trackies.

He was waiting for me outside. “Hey Mikel” I called out. I was so happy, sickeningly so. He sort of frowned and beckoned me to the side.

”I must talk with you.” He said as we stepped into the shadows. “I’ve been told by my friends that you are gay?” I blinked furiously. I wanted to deny it, say it wasn’t true but how could I deny something that I had spent years pretending wasn’t true and had only just begun accepting it myself. It was a part of me.

So…I nodded.

He was silent, then hung his head, his shaggy hair masking his face. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” And he did.

What was I supposed to do!? Tell him how I felt? Ask him not to leave? What the hell was I meant to do? Should I have lied? Deny one very important detail of who I was? Because I had fallen in lust? Was I being punished? Maybe God really did hate gays…

(Young man wipes eyes and composes himself)

Sometimes I think they are right. Those people that say nothing worth having comes easy. And I deserve to be happy. That’s what I’ve learnt, if I had to change myself for someone else, like Daniel, or cut off myself from what I felt like Tom, or sleep around to feel better about myself like Matt, then I wouldn’t be me.

I thought maybe I could give up a part of myself. But I, in a non-narcissistic way, love myself. I love every part of me. And while I may change my clothes, or my hair. Or an aspect of my body that I don’t like. I will always be the same story writing, alcohol drinking, gym going, food loving queer I am today. A long time ago, I wouldn’t have been okay with that. But after seeing the result of people denying themselves…put it this way, I could do a lot worse.

(pause)

Mikel taught me one thing, that sometimes the routine is better. Because the unexpected? Well, it can hurt like a bitch.

Shocking, I KNOW!

Well that was a surprise, a guy I used to know, and had a sort of something with. I use that term because there is no real way to describe it without getting into the nitty grits of it all.

But I went facebook lurking and found he had a new guy. I guess/hope a lot of people have those moments when an Ex, or a Something in my case, moves on, and granted it was about two years ago, and not to mention it was my fault it all stopped. So what could I expect? that he stayed hung up on it all and would never get over me?

Thats just a tad more selfish than I would have preferred. I could be jealous. Which I think I am. Because I'm at an impasse right now. Stuck in a small town for a year with recycled friends and no new experiences. All that I have left of a link to my friends is the internet.

But back to where I am right now which is a writers hell! It's not that it's bad. There's just nothing to talk about here. And the general male populace is either Super Camp Gay Guys. OR Mascu-Macho-Hetero-Heroes, that is = Straight.

I'd just like a spoonful of sugar, or failing that, a face-slap of new. If I think about it too much I can name any location/street of this town that I have bad memories, and they're constantly outweighing my good memories. Because those ones don't belong here, they all live in the places I've been outside this town. I used to think I was happy here, but I was just happy that I didnt have to move again.

I'm not happy here. I need to get out but how can I get out with no where to go to.

Thesaurus Rape. A Public Awareness Announcment.

The young boy's lips parted softly as he exuded a sweet waft of life's breath into the surrounding atmosphere. The troposphere was clement, and droplets of saline sudor were forming on his alabaster brow. The man who was roosted abreast of him passed a hand gloved in obsidian leather across his own brow, and sussurated in exhaustion.

This. Is a sufferer of Thesaurus Rape. Dear readers, we have here a paragraph from a piece of fan-fiction regarding Final Fantasy 13. Now normally, considering it's a piece of Fan-Fic, I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

But it struck a chord. That could have been me, had I not been given the proper medical and educational help against this horrible affliction.

Let me start with a definition. Thesaurus Rape: Is the terrible affliction, where a writer, has a perfectly adequate paragraph/sentence. And then decides to swap every second word for a more...'appropriate' word..


Whilst I am tired. I'll post the rest of my rant tomorrow. Heh, Sorry guys... sleep beckons.

Rum and 'Lavie'

Today's not going well. I woke up, and recent news re-told itself to my brain. And I shut the curtains, grabbed a shot glass and a put on Oren Lavie and pushed myself back into sleep. Where everything is just that much simpler.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. All about dating people and being in relationships. I recently got out of one, and boy am I glad I did. I just don't think I was ready.

OR. At least thats what I thought to begin with. Turns out my subconscious thinks differently. Most of them are about people I know. One has been a complete random whom I have no recollection of. I sort of like to think that perhaps those dreams, with someone significant that you have never met, is a sort of fore-shadowing. Of something or someone you'll meet or see.

I guess it's just wishful thinking. Dreams just aren't like that. Most of the time atleast.

So, I'm in bed, eating chocolate that I found in my stash drawer. I keep forgetting the multitude of crap, food and other stuff, that I've put in there as a precaution to this kinds of days. Although this day, has hit harder than I thought it would. I guess it's the same for everyone.


...Just say when..

Effectively Raped by a Behemoth.

It's not okay to heave me into the air with a giant axe-blade mister Behemoth, no it is not. *sigh* - ragequit.

Anyway, on to more productive endeavors. Like blogging...Chyeah, like thats productive and all.

I suppose this can be a quick update of goings ons. So the job interview was unsuccesfful. The reply was something along the line sof, "Sorry we're looking for someone more experienced." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, I mean I'm fresh out of highschool, with little more than a HSC under my belt, and it's a pretty high end, quality place. So I can understand.

That doesn't mean I'm not upset about it. For some reason I had thought I'd get lucky. Anyway. I can't do anything about it now.

I've been doing some Game Plot Writing with a mate of mine. Goes by the name of Fair Lady Charlotte...actually...It's just Charlotte, or Char really. Known her since my 7 Year old days. We've worked out a pretty awesome game so far. And hopefully with all the stuff worked out by, optimistically the end of this year, we'll send her off to a developing company and see how we go.

I'll post some snippets of plot, gameplay elements and character design I think. Get some feedback from my non-existant readership. *Sigh*

Anyway that's all for now, So Ill post again soon.

-
MLC

My Hands: Them's broken!

Well they aren't...I just heard a song, called My Hands be Leona Lewis. Reason I heard it? It's apparently the theme for the english version of FF13. Haven't heard it in-game yet. But I probably will eventually. I'm almost at the end of the 2nd Disc. Which is depressing and exciting. I just don't want to finish. Although, with this boss battle. *Balthanders* I'm probably NOT going to be finished anytime soon.

Anyway, the point of this post today is to highlight, both Youtube/Forum Trolls and Fanboys.

I'll address the Trolls to begin with. I was looking for the song for fun. And I was listening to it. I found it nice, I'd have to hear it in the game to make a judgement on whether it suits or not.

What grated against me, incredibly so, was this commentor. I won't mention names, but he seemed to hate the song, and therefore HATE the game. I mean, I've seen douchey people on the net before and I don't really think much of it. But this struck me as odd, so among his comments, were calling the series of FF, a Sinking Ship. And that the vacating of Nobuo Uematsu killed the series. I get the idea of a composer, creating the music for series throughout its evolution leaving is a big deal.

But does that mean the game/series will surely die out because of it? I don't think so. I mean, what if the man had passed away? They will always have to change composers, whether or not someone leaves, or passses away. You can't expect something to stay the same forever. Especially in the gaming world.

Second, the guy on youtube, hasn't touched the new game. Instead, personally boycotting it because it lacks, the classic themes of N.U, and a huge free-sandbox type world.

I admit, I was a bit wary of a supposedly linear game. After playing it for over 20 hours, I can attest personally to the immersive story that pushes you along at such speed that you don't even realise/notice the linear nature of the game. And by the time your 25-30 hours in, you're released into a world grander and more open than anything I've ever seen.

Reviews for the game have been 8/10 or higher from almost every source I've seen.

He then compares the new game, to FFX-2, calling it girly and immature. I mean...what the HELL! He stated he hadn't played the game, then compares it to something? Isn't that a bit...I dunno...stupid? This guy needs a collective facepalm from the entire FF community.

For the record, I've never played a game, with such an in-depth, addictive, mature storyline. FFX-2-like? That's like comparing a 3-year olds painting with a Monet.... Honestly... Some people really tick me off...

I just wish people would give things a go before making an assessment. It's like guessing at an answer to a math problem without any basis for your answer.

Tch...Douchebags....

Anyway, my little angry vent is over for now.

Job Interview Success.

Well it wasnt a success, but it wasn't a failure. Heh, it went well is what I'm trying to say here. I enjoyed it tons, which is an odd admission. But anyway, they were very nice. A dark guy, about 5ft7. and a shorter, dark haired girl, pale skin. Both very attractive. They were friendly and all that. I was, of course, nervous as all heck.

So every second word out of my mouth was usually some sort of weird hybrid of two words because brain functionality was just not working. Anyway, eventually I relaxed, as does happen when people around you are relaxed. By the end of it all, they both said I did good.

Apparently, I said something good too, they asked me something like, "Why should we hire you?" I blanked and in the split second of silence I blurted out, "Because you need me." And that, worked rather well...apparently. But yeah, so their end comments.

Girl: "You relaxed alot by the end of it all, and to be honest, I like you."
Guy: "Yeah, you're very unique."

So good?

Yeah.

FF13 is causing me to cry a lot. *shameful face* I keep dying in the boss fights...friggin butt surf. I'm still loving it...but c'mon....fighting an Airship? What did they think would happen?!

Sigh....Anyway. I'm off to try it again.